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Thursday, August 13, 2015

Things are Looking Bleak.

Christie's Take on Life used to be a 'lifestyle' blog. If you would even call it a blog. To me, it was a journal. Somewhere along the line, I stopped writing from the heart. I guess my growing following scared me away from putting such personal details about my life out there for all to see. I love beauty posts, don't get me wrong, I'm just disappointed that I cowered away from something I once loved.

and that seems to be my theme right now: disappointment. In fact, this post isn’t going to be very cohesive (so bear with me).

Lately, my life has been reminiscent of a 1-2 punch, except something more along the lines of a 1-2-3-4-5-6 punch. It's one thing after another, after another.. It's as though my life scales cannot tip past a certain point; Just when I think my life plan is coming together, just when I do something good for myself, something pops up to slap me in the face and reminds me not to be ridiculous, to keep the balance of my scales in favour of the dark side.

Oh, Christie. You joined the gym, good for you.
BAM You have an internal infection,
BAM You're drifting away from your best friend,
and finally, the pièce de résistance:
BAM you've lost your car.
That'll teach you.

I haven't told more than maybe 5 people, but I was the victim of a hit and run.

I always try to look at things from a positive perspective.
"Oh, I almost died, maybe it's time I spent more quality time with the people I love. Maybe it's time to plan the trips and outings we've been too lazy to do. Maybe I'll be nicer to people". But this time.. this blow upon the precarious pile of recent blows to my world, has left me with an inability to be positive.

I stepped away from my wrecked car yesterday afternoon, with all the belongings it held in my arms, and just stared around me at all of the people walking around as if the day was just an ordinary day. The thing is, it was. I know this type of intense grief is unjustified. It's a fucking car and I'm acting like someone has just died. I'm sure my reaction is the effect of a string of unfortunate events - the car was just my tipping point.

See, there are very few things I care about in this world - my close friends, my boyfriend, my pets, my car. And when these things don't go to plan, I lose a part of myself. I put too much of myself in to these things and make them my centre - I guess I care too much. I mean, I try to be grateful for what I have and how things played out, but I just don't care any more. I was miraculously 100% uninjured after smashing in to about 3 trees and yet, I don't care. My car is gone and that's all that matters. The car that I emptied my bank account to buy less than a year ago. The car that someone selfishly took away from me..and she got away with it.

There are some really big and exciting thing coming up for me and thinking of what's to come makes me feel a little better, a little bit more like myself, but then the dark cloud catches up to me. What will go wrong after this bit of positive leeway? Because that's what happens. That's what always happens. I have Jesse, who has been nothing but a rock. My solid ground in the shitstorm that I'm in, and we will always be on my team no matter what, but I just can’t focus my thoughts or what little energy I have on day-to-day tasks. I don't care about anything other than keeping a smile on my boyfriend's face any more - even though I can see the worry in his eyes. I'm so very tired, physically and emotionally. I'm lost, and I don't know how strong my desire is to be found.

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