Getting Out of Your Own Head.

Remember when I excitedly announced that I had finally begun chasing my dreams and enrolled in an events management course? Well I sit here at my desk on this rainy Monday morning, two months later, mentally exhausted.

I mean, I've complained about being mentally exhausted more times than I've complained about the colour of my lounge room walls but THIS. This is a whole other level of exhaustion. See, I attended a three day, 24 hour total, events workshop from Wednesday to Friday last week and I'm telling you, not even the weekend could fix the brain overload I am still experiencing to this day. I guess the fact that I haven't studied anything since my graduation from high school in 2010 has hit me, and it's hit me hard.

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I didn't think that I was struggling with getting back in to "school" mode until I looked around at the five other attendees about mid-way through day one and realised how much further ahead they were than I was. How much more knowledge they had than I did. How much more motivated they were than me.

We focussed on the boring and tedious subjects that would be difficult to broach on our own - great in theory. I've always considered myself somewhat of a fast learner; when I'm motivated enough, that is. I listened, I read, I typed.. and yet and yet these five other super students were comprehending and submitting their assessments much faster than I. In fact, by the time I had worked through maybe half of the assessment, most of them were moving on to their next (or even number three in the case of one super SUPER student).

And once that insecurity set in.. well, it all went down hill from there..

I became flustered and self-conscious. I felt inadequate and insecure. I was too nervous to ask questions in fear of sounding as slow as I felt. I begun over thinking everything, and as hard as I concentrated, I simply could not focus or comprehend what was put in front of me, let alone submit something, anything, to be graded. I would get home from an eight hour day of attempting to work and spend another three hours catching up on and submitting everything I should have during the day.

I rocked up to day two feeling drained but determined. Until it was announced that we would be focussing on the budget section of the course, that is. Maths. Great. The one subject I never could understand. Deflated by the once again rapid clickitty click of the others' keyboards, day two went pretty much as day one did. Only worse. I got home, had a sook to Jesse, attempted to finish up at least one assessment and went to bed ready to give up on life.

It wasn't until I sat down with my study coach for a one on one right at the end of day three that I discovered how much longer before me these other "super students" had started the course. As a matter of fact, I was told that I was moving at an incredible pace considering my full-time job and other life commitments and my coach was convinced that I could finish the course three months before I was due to.

That's the thing about getting in to your own head. Had I kept my mind clear and focussed on me, rather than worrying about what everyone around me was doing, I would have been able to work through my tasks efficiently. Sure, I probably would have submitted my work a little later than everyone else, but they were far deeper in to the course than I, and the whole freakin' point of an online course is to work at your own pace, not compete for adequacy with your peers.

As it turns out, these workshops weren't out to get me. They're designed to help me. I mean shit, had I looked at the budget section on my own accord, I would have walked off from my computer, never to return again, and that's exactly why they were chosen for us to do.  If only I had believed in my abilities and taken the time to breathe and think about what I was trying to achieve with all of this: my dream career.

I now realise that despite what I thought, I did learn a lot, I did submit many assessments, far more than I would have had I not attended, AND I knocked out some compulsory work placement hours.

Do I have a long way to go? Yes, but I'm taking it at my own pace, and focussing on me and my future. Because when you get out of your own head, you stop making excuses, you dig a little deeper, and you show that determination. This is an amazing and rare opportunity to reach my full potential and I'm going to make the most of it.