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Friday, October 11, 2013

Heartbreak and how to Deal.

The whole point of a blog is to share your personal experiences, your daily thoughts, feelings and latest happenings. An outlet to express your emotions and feelings, right? I feel my blog has been more about fashion and beauty than my personal musings. The thought of posting something raw and being seen in a vulnerable light by faceless strangers who know exactly what I think and feel makes me shudder. What if they judge me? What if they think I'm pathetic? What if they post harsh comments?

Whelp, Sir. Today is a changing day in my life.
Your ugly words are just a reflection of the person you truly are.
I do not want simpathy and I am not seeking attention. I simply want to use my little online space to express my innermost feelings, allow myself to vent and release some of the things stampeding around in my mind. Perhaps I can help someone else going through the same thing. Perhaps someone can help me. I am no longer am afraid to open myself up to the world. I welcome your love, support and kind words. Sometimes it takes the kindness of a stranger to make you appreciate human life.

I have succumbed to an awful break-up with my boyfriend (or ex-boyfriend) of two and a half years a week ago today. Details are not important but I found out he'd been lying to me for a year.

We'd been fighting about a few things for a couple of weeks and we were drifting apart. He was neglecting me and my needs, to the point where I was terrified to go out in fear I would cheat just to feel wanted by a man. I put it down to him going through some things, he'd been in a rough patch for quite some time; hating it here in Perth, wanting to leave, fighting with his mum constantly. He was depressed. Finally, he snapped. After spending a whole night cuddling I thought, maybe we can sweep all our fights under the rug. But no, an ad that sparked up the topic for one of our fights came on T.V. the next morning and we were off, fighting about everything we'd been attempting to forget about. When suddenly, he blurts out he'd been lying to me. He never stopped doing what he promised he would a year ago and he never really intended to.
My heart sank, the one man I'd ever trusted had been a liar. I felt sick to my stomach and I could see he did to. We both just sat there crying until he had to leave because he couldn;t take the look on my face any more. I texted him, asking if he was done. I begged and pleaded with him to work it all out with me but he didn't want a bar of it. He was done.

I instantly fell in to a deep depression.
I stopped eating, I didn't feel hungry. After about four days of having a completely empty stomach and no desire whatsoever to eat, I quickly started getting sharp pains and felt extremely dizzy and lethargic. I knew this was bad. Very bad. But I couldn't bring myself to fix it, I am broken.
 I stopped contacting all male friends and pushed everyone away, I stopped sleeping in my room because everything reminded me of him, I ignored my family, I cut myself, I was miserable.

I kept texting him long, pour-your-heart-out messages about how much I loved and needed him. He kept shutting me down, saying it's what's best, he needs to work on himself, think of his future, move on, be happy again. I reasoned saying you won't be happy without the person you love to support you through the shitty times and give you cuddles when you needed.
We did the whole exchanging of the belongings that Friday. Seeing him again was heartbreaking. We sat in my car for a good two hours talking, crying, hugging. He expressed how much he missed me and how confused about everything he was, he admitted that he loved me and was miserable now and this was the hardest decision he'd ever had to make. Then, he kissed me. So passionately, it gave me false hope. Maybe he'd miss me too much and come back. He's not done with us, this isn't what he wants.
Apparently, it was. I sent him a few more long texts and he's quickly gone back to not wanting a bar of it, saying his mind was made up.

Yesterday, I made one final push. He called me in the morning and caught me off-guard. I said I'd text him everything I wanted to say because I'm terrible on the spot. He PROMISED he'd call me on my lunch break. So,  I texted my final message. A long, heart-felt essay of a thing about how much I wanted to make this work, how willing I was to fight, blah, blah, blah. I made it clear that this was my last effort, after that, I'll leave him alone. Lunch time came and went, no call. He texted me saying he won't call but it's definitely over.
THAT was the changing moment. His failure to call after he promised he would. No effort, nothing. It wasn't anything huge, but it was all the closure I needed. I realised then that's he's a coward, running away when things got tough. It was the push I needed to realise I’m better off.

I decided, from then on, I’m going to be positive and move on, no more waiting around for him to change his mind, no more pathetic, long texts begging for him back. It all hit me, why should I be the one begging for him back when HE'S the one who messed us up?

He’s miserable without me, and I’m proving to myself that I can be happy without him. I made it clear that if he wants anything, he can contact me, if he wants to hang out, he can make the effort, I won’t be contacting him for anything and it felt SO GOOD! I feel so revitalised! As of today, I’m going to work to become a better version of myself, do things I want to do; hang with friends and make new ones, go out on the town, just be happy.

I've thought long and hard about it as part of my 'new me' phase and I've come up with a few things to help us deal with a break-up. I've followed my own advice and it's helped me a lot.
I'm not saying I'm 100% fine, but I'm getting there, one step at a time.

#1: Let yourself be sad.
There are those breakups that are so bad that you will need a good cry. Let yourself have what you need. Let yourself go and let yourself obsess over every little detail of the breakup and the relationship. You will need to do this for yourself, I sure did. You will need to allow your mind to take it all in so that by the time you get back up on your feet, you know how you feel.
Once you’ve cried your heart out, it won’t make you feel better to wallow in your own sadness any longer than you need to. One week MAXIMUM! Do'nt give him the satisfaction.
If you do need some time to think about everything again, tell yourself you will spend 10 minutes thinking about it and then move on. This will allow your brain to “schedule” sad time and you will feel like you have control over the situation instead of feeling miserable 24/7.
After you have your pity party, it’s time to start getting happy again!

#2: Cut out the sad stuff.
Stop listening to that emo playlist on repeat. We all do it. Instead of listening to Adelle, I put scary screamo music and Evanescence's My Imortal on repeat and listened to it on the drive all the way to and from work. Seriously, does not make you feel good.
Pump yourself up by turning on uplifting tunes, watch a great movie (NOT The Notebook!!!), or dive into a good book.

#3: Cut him out.
Your ex is the one who made you sad, so it might be a good idea to cut him out.
Try doing a 30-day “cleanse” where you promise yourself you will not have any contact with him. It will help you to realize how much you can stand on your own two feet while he realizes how much he hates not hearing from you. Seriously, it drives them insane!
Get rid of anything that reminds you of him; stuffed toys, momentos, flowers, everything.
My best friend and I burnt all my memories in a bonfire.. Bit extreme..
Delete his number so you're not tempted to make contact. If you're brave, delete his Facebook so you don't see his status updates.

Step #4: Get busy!
Focusing your energies on your job, schoolwork, or your hobbies is the best way to get your mind off of your breakup. Getting busy will help you to focus on the challenges and adventures in your own life. It will also help to eliminate those moments when you are bored, thinking too much. Now is the time to start focusing on YOU, work towards the promotion you have always wanted, take your breakup as a chance to ace your finals or volunteer for a good cause.
It’s also fun to try something new; take up yoga, join a sporting team, take a class, get certified, the world is your oyster! Do what you've always wanted to do, there's nobody holding you back.

#5: Be your best self!
My favourite step!
Start loving yourself again. The best revenge against your ex is looking fabulous. More importantly, it will make you feel great about yourself. Get to the gym, and get on a healthy track. Sweating it out at the gym will also leave you tired and help you sleep more. It's a great way to release any anger you may have. Although it's childish, I find it's great motovation when I think "I can't wait to show Matt how hot I've gotten!" Have some serious retail therapy time with your girlfriends; get your nails done, go shopping, treat yourself to a massage. Or even better, take your girlfriends on that trip you had been planning to go on with your ex.

I really hope this helps any poor chick-a-dee out there going through the same thing. Surviving heartbreak is something you can do, it’s just a matter of how well you do it. I just wish I knew all this BEFORE I made an idiot out of myself.

New and Improved Christie To-Do-List:
  • Enroll in a hip-hop dance class
  • Take up yoga
  • Head to the gym and get some sexy abs going on for Summer
  • Find and go after a career in Event Planning
  • Re-decorate my room
  • Google more positive quotes and plaster them around my desk
  • SMILE!

1 comment:

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