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Friday, May 23, 2014

The 41 Best Things About Being A 'Basic Bitch'.

So, my best friend got in to a fight with a crazy-assed girl who we shall call "Peggy-Sue" for purpose of this story. Because that's the ugliest name I could think of, without using profanities.

Disregard last comment if you're named Peggy-Sue. It's lovely.

Anyways, this Peggy-Sue, in the midst of a drunken screaming match at my wide-eyed best friend, hurled the insult 'basic bitch' her way. Basic bitch? BASIC BITCH?! It really got to her. I had to be on the phone, at 1am, consoling my now bawling, drunken best friend who should never go out without me again. Ever. 'Of course nobody thought this of you, how preposterous'. But then I realized, every modern twentysomething woman does #BasicBitch things and pretty sure, they're all fucking great. Embrace.

1. Instagraming a photo of your coffee cup because the Starbucks person spelled your name wrong.
The more mispelled it is the more hilarious it is. Like my friend Amy, who's name really is simple enough to spell correctly by even the most incompetent of Starbucks employees, recently uploaded a photo to Instagram with the caption '"AIMEYEE" = LOLLLLL.'

2. Owning Ugg boots and not giving a fuck about how everyone's supposed to hate them.
Shit is comfy — what else are you supposed to wear to pilates in the winter? Who has time for shoelaces? #no

3. Displaying a picture of you and your best friend in a frame that says "friends" at the top.
With a little heart over the "i".

4. Refusing to make any other plans the night the latest dystopian teen thriller has its first midnight showing.
And talking loudly to all in your presence about how you're going and expecting everyone to acknowledge how SILLY you are.

5. Sharing a carefully selected #tbt photo.
Slash participating in #tbt just generally.

6. Sharing the results of a BuzzFeed quiz.

7. Wearing yoga pants anywhere other than yoga.
You got up and put your white jeans on for brunch, I rolled out of bed and put on something comfortable and forgiving and I look ***flawless.

8. Only writing the word ***flawless with the three stars before it.
Because Beyoncé. LOL.

9. Ending sentences you type with LOL.
Bonus points for LAWL

10. Having Coachella FOMO.
Because you didn't get to go but you follow all the fabulous people on Instagram who are there and at the same party as Kendall Jenner.

11. Making it to Coachella and wearing a crown of fake, plastic flowers.
No one wants REAL plants in their hair. Nature, ew.

12. Redeeming a coupon.

13. Wearing leggings as pants.

14. Still being obsessed with Sex and the City.
You're the Carrie of your friend group.

15. Using Pinterest to plan your wedding when you're not even engaged.
Because if you see a barn that just says "ME!" there is no point in WAITING to pin it.

16. Acting like you don't even know what "basic bitch" means.

17. Sharing a photo on Instagram of your hands with trendy nail polish and dainty rings all over your fingers.
Many tiny rings worn at once is the new hotness. (They're not NEW new, but you know what I mean.)

18. Owning a friendship bracelet.
Or a Livestrong bracelet. Or any non-metal type of jewellery.

19. Wearing a hairband on your wrist.

20. Losing the hairband on your wrist and then borrowing one from a girl at your office.

21. And when she gives it to you acting like it's SUCH a sacrifice for her, and OMG is she SURE?!

22. Displaying a Breakfast at Tiffany's/vintage Vogue cover/Le Chat Noir print as prominent art in your apartment.

23. Going to a sporting event with your face painted and/or wearing an outfit entirely in "your team's" colours.

24. Complaining about how your entire Facebook feed is filled with baby/engagement announcements.

25. Owning a bedazzled iPhone cover.
Because if it's not sparkly it's easier to lose. #basicbitch #protip

26. Using hashtags in non-Twitter or -Instagram correspondence.
Because hashtags just sum up the most basic points.

27. Saying "hashtag" out loud.
"Girl, that dress is SO hashtag OOTD."

28. Participating in #OOTD.

29. Having tracks from Glee on your iPod.

30. Having tracks from Frozen on your iPod.

31. Declaring, in all seriousness, as though it is breaking news, "I'm OBSESSED with Greek yogurt."

32. Refusing to eat hummus with anything but baby carrots and/or other veggies.

33. Borrowing someone's HBO Go login.
Because what's the point in paying for something when you don't have to?

34. Getting highlights.

35. Asking your followers on social media if you should get bangs/dye your hair.
Difficult decisions like this must be crowdsourced.

36. Posting a quote of something you said that you know is very wise as your Facebook status.
People who are not in your physical presence should be in the loop on all your witticisms at all times.

37. Using more than one emoji at once.
The monkey with the air coming out of its butt is always funny.

38. Having a crush on a teacher/boss/someone else in a position of authority to you.
And telling your friends about how "weird" it is that you feel that way but "obviously" you'd "never act on it."

39. Using the word "literally" in a meaningless way. Literally.

40. Flipping your left hand when "Single Ladies" comes on.

41. Using "put a ring on it" in the context of things that have nothing to do with getting engaged.
Like, "Girl, are you going to just order the breakfast burrito? Put a ring on it!"

I personally, do about 60% of this shit. Eat your heart out, Peggy-Sue.
How about you?

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